Are you robbing yourself of greater success?
We’ve all been there. We’re meant to be working on a report for work and suddenly the lure of the latest release of the Tiger King himself is too great. Or you’ve decided to get fit for the marathon but your friends inviting you to the pub (or Houseparty during these lockdown times) seems way more fun. Deep down, you know whatever you’ve set your mind to do is important and in your head, you’ve committed to it, knowing it will benefit you in the long run, and yet… somehow, something gets in the way of you doing that thing. That something is you.
The issues raised above are important and possibly quite serious. However, you standing in your own way can be even more insidious and grave than those examples.
Case study I – why did I get fired?
Here’s the story of a client of mine. She is near the pinnacle of her career. One level below executive level, having started as a graduate. She built her business from scratch and has grown it into one of the largest contributors for the bank, which is a Fortune 500 company. She was smart and ensured that she was not just a manager but a producer too. She was well-respected by everyone and especially senior management. And yet, to her immense shock, she was ‘encouraged to leave’.
Why? There had been some changes in structure to the various business units but there was no sign that her department was being downsized etc. However, with the changes, she had to make some adjustments to accommodate others, as with any change. And she refused not just to recognize this, but actively stood in the way of the changes being made and fought bitterly hard for no change. Whilst others moved on. It was an inevitable outcome and she chose not to see that. And she still doesn’t. As such, she can’t move forwards despite having a new job.
This is self-sabotage – at a really critical point.
How do we define it?
It is a behaviour.
‘Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals’. Psychology Today
Case study II – why can’t I progress further?
A successful fund manager whose fund is top 10 ranked in his sector & region. He is extremely diligent and focused. He aims to be collaborative and enthusiastically volunteers to contribute to the broader team & firm’s objectives. So why is he stuck where he is?
Whilst he is doing all the ‘right’ things – he is at the same time doing himself no favours. He uses his diligence as a weapon against others who have different working practices and styles. His self-awareness needs a lot of work and that affects his relationships internally. People don’t trust him. He perceives himself to be superior to others. While his fund is performing, he spends much of his time criticizing others and is perceived as difficult to work with, despite his tick-boxing behaviours. He cannot see that he is holding himself back.
Why do we self-sabotage?
It’s not really out fault…
It’s neurobiology helping us persevere as a species mechanism
2 principles that drive our survival: attaining rewards & avoiding threats. When we have goals, we get a dopamine rush when we attain them. And it feels great. However, when we see something ‘threatening’, like a change in thinking and subsequent behaviour is required, we perceive this as a threat, so we keep going back to old ‘proven’ tricks to feel better about ourselves. Even though in this case, the ‘dopamine’ is wrongly channelled.
Additionally, it’s like an efficiency drive. Our brains are constantly trying to conserve energy and resources given that we have 48.6 thoughts per minute (70,000 per day), it has to sift through a lot. The brain will naturally make choices that seem comfortable ie habits you’re used to, to reduce cognitive dissonance & aim for confirmation bias. Think about how your beliefs work – you might have been labelled ‘troublemaker’ by your kindergarten teacher and that moniker is likely to stay with you throughout your life – be it overtly or as a limiting belief in your head.
In Judy Ho’s article in Psychology Today on the subject, she talks about the following being causes of self-sabotage. These aspects very much form parts of your personality and will therefore inform how you perceive and relate to the world around you.
• Uncertainty of identity – a low sense of self
• Beliefs – are often limiting, ie holding yourself back form progress
• Fear of change and the unknown – a dogged resistance to change
• Extreme need for control – eg perfectionism in overdrive
Resulting in
• Dwelling on ‘if only..’ – you’re stuck in a pattern of ‘if only I had wealthy parents, my education would have been better’ – whilst not necessarily untrue, you also can’t change the past but you have agency of how you move forward
• Being afraid of your thoughts – when you’re thinking particular thoughts that might be hard or painful such as you thinking your boss might not think much of you, you might suppress those thoughts and therefore you might avoid having a conversation with them. However, this can get you trapped in a negative pattern where you don’t process what’s holding you back and you might become resentful of others who are gaining recognition when it is you that is holding yourself back out of fear
• Burying your feelings – on this case study, fear of others finding out he might have stuff to work on meant he kept doing box-ticking activities whilst subtly putting others down, instead of working on himself. Irony being that people found him out anyway. Would have been better to have been upfront but instead he let things spin out of control where he had frequent outbursts of how he deserved more etc.
• Habitually starting tomorrow – procrastination. Putting things off can worsen as the to-do list builds, ironically making the task seem even more daunting. And you might end up with a reputation of being unreliable
• Letting inertia harm you rather than help you – sometimes it is easier to stick with the known and already established habits. It has worked out pretty well for your so far. A fresh start cane be very daunting with a whole series of unknowns and efforts to be made. Doing nothing can seem like a better option. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? But like with habits, they take time to build. Start small and you will find that your microhabits soon will become regular habits and routine. But you have to start from somewhere and it is that starting that is oh so daunting. I have a lot of clients for example who are worried about technology taking over their jobs and they’re complaining about it. And yet, when I asked them what they’ve done to move forward with getting themselves ‘out there’ eg networking, polishing up their CVs, updating their LinkedIn profiles – the response is a lot of ‘naysaying’ and ‘I hate social media’ etc.
What might it look like on me? (ps – it is much easier to spot in others than in yourself)
Self-esteem and ego are not the same. There must be a balance of our needs and those of others. Too much of one or the other creates issues.
Appreciation for oneself – people with big egos and too much self-love, narcissistic types who think they are superior to others. Whereas someone with a healthy level of self-esteem values themselves but in a realistic manner
Concern about self & others – is it all about me, me, me? Or do I think about others, have empathy for them, as well as have fruitful relationships?
It’s more than you & your beliefs – it’s also about seeing beyond your own perspective and beliefs and if you can’t, you might have an empathy deficit. People with healthy self-esteem will be open to and respect others’ viewpoints
Feedback? No unless it’s glowing – people with big egos will not be able to handle criticism, no matter how constructive. It goes against this self-aggrandising view they have of themselves. Whereas someone who has strong self-esteem will be open to learning and growing and thus would welcome feedback
Quid pro quo – what’s in it for me would be the normal refrain for someone with an outsized ego whereas someone with robust self-esteem will never make decisions out of pure self-interest
Top dog vs minions – Big ego people are huge proponents of titles, hierarchy and other superiority highlighting initiatives. Whereas ones with good self-esteem are comfortable with their strengths and respect those of others and so are not needlessly competitive where it isn’t needed
Healthy love for oneself – most with big egos don’t particularly love themselves very much hence this exaggerated need to seem bigger than they are. They can’t really focus on others and their needs because they can’t even cope with their own. People with robust self-esteem have a healthy relationship with themselves and with others
What are my triggers? Time for some self-awareness
Some examples
• This has to be perfect to make sure I get the recognition I deserve. Perfectionism works – until it doesn’t
• I’ve always done it this way and look at my success. Why change the formula? Single mindedness works – until it doesn’t
• If I focus on others and their issues, I can forget about mine and they’ll go away, right? Focusing on others helps – until it doesn’t
• “What’s wrong with you?” “Why did you do it that way?” “That was stupid.” – these statements are like red rags to a bull
• Perceived criticism, even if it’s simply an offer of help or a suggestion – often bringing about a defensive and belligerent response
How can I stop these destructive behaviours?
Self examination
• Conscious awareness of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours
• Noticing the pattern of your thoughts and emotions and behaviours
• ‘Unhabit’ your negative self-talk and labelling
• Conduct an audit of your life and identify persistent themes
• Any other behaviours? Eg rejecting help; are you able to show compassion for others? Receiving it from others? Expressing kindness and compassion towards yourself?
Take Action
• Question your thoughts, emotions and behaviours
• CHOOSE & COMMIT to healthy new habits & subsequent behaviours
• Review values, set some goals that fit with those values and make them happen!
Conclusion
Do you want more & better for yourself? Do you want every aspect of your life to flourish, thrive and succeed? If you said yes to either and/or both of those questions, then I ask:
What changes will you commit to today to make that happen?
Here’s the video from today’s conversation. Remember to check out Davina’s website and you can also find her on LinkedIn. She is one of our treasured partners and you will learn so much from her and her work.
Are you robbing yourself of greater success - video time breakdown
1:10 intro to Davina
2:40 Davina introduces the concept of self-awareness as a key tool to help us make better choices in our lives
4:10 Why is this topic important?
5:05 Some definitions of key concepts discussed
5:40 Case Study I - why did I get fired?
9:30 What is self-sabotage?
11:00 Case Study II - why can’t I get that promotion/pay rise?
13:30 Why do we self-sabotage? It’s not you - here’s the science
16:20 Why do we self-sabotage? Some real life scenarios
17:50 How might this look in general?
21:50 What might this look like on me?
25:30 What might trigger me?
29:20 How can I stop these destructive behaviours?
35:55 Davina introduces how meditation can help and how we might get there. ‘How do I know I am right?’
38:45 Exploration - self reflection and self-enquiry. ‘Know thyself’
40:30 Exploration - what does success mean for you?
43:30 Meditation to examine your thoughts & beliefs
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